This kind of thing has been going around the internet for a while but I enjoyed reading this particular incarnation on Facebook just recently. I’m afraid I can’t really credit it to anyone although I shared it from the Facebook page of one Ken Gowler. In his post he claims John Cleese wrote it but I’m pretty certain he didn’t so I have taken that reference out. If anyone can correct me I’ll put it back in, otherwise, feel free to tell me the original source. I suspect it comes from some 70s comedy sketch and has just been updated for the current times.
Nevertheless, I found this amusing although one or two points I felt will a little harsher than I like. Nevertheless, to respect the original author I’ve left them in and just have to say, for my non-British readers, this is very typical British humour.
For those of you who have such a kind of humour – enjoy.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE, 2013
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Life is too short…
And just for fun, seen today on Facebook – apologies to non-Brits who might not get the in-jokes. For us Brits though: hilarious.